Throughout my life, i've felt loneliness. Incompleteness. The need for something comforting. Need for others to constantly surround me. To have someone's presence beside me assuring me that they're there with me too. I'm always being told by other brothers and sisters that the Lord is right beside me. Always. Every single step, every single second he's right there beside you. I know that nothing but the Lord's presence and love can give me an undeniable feeling of wholeness.
However, even if i'm surrounded by other brothers and sisters, i still feel alone. Like everyone, i need compassion. Understanding. Once during confession, the father told me that the desire not to be alone wasn't so bad. He said it was a good thing to want to be with others. Having an incomplete family, most of all partly broken, as i look around at other families, they seem joyful. They seem loving and not afraid to show their love for one another. Not afraid to show care. My own family struggles with expressing our feelings towards one another. If it's not just all of us, then i guess it's just me.
Why my own family? Aren't they supposed to be the closest people i could ever half in this life? I always think in situations where you're dared to come out of your comfort zone is to just let go and DO IT. When can you have other chances like those do you have in your life? To come out of your comfort zone and live it and show the lord what you've done for him. Stop holding back and just do it. No matter how uncomfortable no matter how twisted it may seem go for it. What have you got to lose?
I've been pulled apart from everyone else's routines. Pulled away from my own routines. I'm placed in places where i can observe my environment. Observe this world. Listening to my sisters. Listening to their hurts, worries, concerns. Praying that they keep their hearts strong. And for brothers praying that they will remember to protect us. Remember to become leaders to the ones around them. That the holy spirit may work through every single one of us as we struggle and fight in the battle. my worries and fears and concerns are lifted up to the Lord. I know that my prayers are being heard. I just have to be patient and keep observing God's beautiful work.
But, is it too selfish to ask for company? maybe once in a while. So i know i'm not fighting this battle by myself. I'm tired of seeing the same situations over and over. I'm tired of hearing and seeing other sisters hurt. I'm so tired. I feel weakness in my faith just crawl up and brutally embrace me. I'm not sure if i made any sense. This is difficult. Lord please be with me. Please embrace me. Please lord i ask. I only want you.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Brand New Start
Novemeber Camp 6-8
Service. The time to serve my brothers and sisters in the community is coming closer; as we fast and focus on living a christ-centered life. I've been asked to play a role in a skit of a young woman who's been left by a guy because she became pregnant with his baby. The young lady questions God and repents for what she has done. However, she feels alone. "How can I support this baby? At this young age? I cant do this by myself, Lord."
While playing this role of this young woman, I have to feel as if what happened to her was actually me. Feel her hurts, her loneliness, her regrets, her suffering, and her fears. As she asks the lord to forgive her, she is saved.
After being asked to play this role, I began to notice the young women that are my own age and just a few years older that carry a baby in their wombs. I ask myself how they felt about having a baby even before their marriage. What have their families said and thought about them? Did they just want to give up everything? We're they considering things such as abortion? And most of all, did they have faith in the lord. Today i realized something very important in my life. In this reinactment, I am playing my mother's role for when she held me in her womb before SHE was married. I can't imagine the sort of things she thought. During this skit, i'm imagining the sort of things SHE would say. How the man she thought she loved left her.
And for 14 years, she's been living as a single parent. She's stood strong, trying to raise me to be the best that i can be. She's always telling me that when i grow up and meet my real father, we would prove to him that my mother was the strongest person. And i would prove to him that he made a mistake to leave. He wouldn't change his ways for me. He was an addict and he wouldn't let anything stop him from his habits. Not even my birth. Not even my needs for nourishment and love and feeling of completeness. Now, at the age of 14, I stand strong with faith in my sould. With love for the lord knowing he didn't let my mother fall. Knowing He loved me so he kept me in this world. My heart beats with life because of the lord. He spoke to my mother and said "You can do this. I am with you. You are not alone."
I hope that for this camp, I give out a very strong message for the sisters. Trust in the lord. Ask for his forgiveness and trust in his plan. He will never give you anything that you can't handle.
Service. The time to serve my brothers and sisters in the community is coming closer; as we fast and focus on living a christ-centered life. I've been asked to play a role in a skit of a young woman who's been left by a guy because she became pregnant with his baby. The young lady questions God and repents for what she has done. However, she feels alone. "How can I support this baby? At this young age? I cant do this by myself, Lord."
While playing this role of this young woman, I have to feel as if what happened to her was actually me. Feel her hurts, her loneliness, her regrets, her suffering, and her fears. As she asks the lord to forgive her, she is saved.
After being asked to play this role, I began to notice the young women that are my own age and just a few years older that carry a baby in their wombs. I ask myself how they felt about having a baby even before their marriage. What have their families said and thought about them? Did they just want to give up everything? We're they considering things such as abortion? And most of all, did they have faith in the lord. Today i realized something very important in my life. In this reinactment, I am playing my mother's role for when she held me in her womb before SHE was married. I can't imagine the sort of things she thought. During this skit, i'm imagining the sort of things SHE would say. How the man she thought she loved left her.
And for 14 years, she's been living as a single parent. She's stood strong, trying to raise me to be the best that i can be. She's always telling me that when i grow up and meet my real father, we would prove to him that my mother was the strongest person. And i would prove to him that he made a mistake to leave. He wouldn't change his ways for me. He was an addict and he wouldn't let anything stop him from his habits. Not even my birth. Not even my needs for nourishment and love and feeling of completeness. Now, at the age of 14, I stand strong with faith in my sould. With love for the lord knowing he didn't let my mother fall. Knowing He loved me so he kept me in this world. My heart beats with life because of the lord. He spoke to my mother and said "You can do this. I am with you. You are not alone."
I hope that for this camp, I give out a very strong message for the sisters. Trust in the lord. Ask for his forgiveness and trust in his plan. He will never give you anything that you can't handle.
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